Sunday, July 12, 2009

First Post

Hi Everyone,

Ok so here goes the first awkward post. An introduction is in order I suppose. So just call me S, I am 21 years old and I am going to be a junior in college. As a kid I was always taller and bigger than everyone from about 3rd grade on. I was never fat because I was always doing gymnastics and on the swim and tennis team, but because I was so much taller than everyone I felt different and I was always picked on. My parents rarely ever let me eat junk food when I was young. I think the first time I ever had a sugary cereal was around 7th grade and fast food such as McDonald's and Burger King was a treat for doing something well. When I got into high school the pressure to look better than everyone else escalated 10 fold from middle school. Every girl was constantly on some new fad diet such as Atkins or South Beach or just plain not eating. I gained a lot of weight during the first two years because I was very stressed from school, sports and my parents divorce. Eating is definitely a comfort thing for me. Fast forward to summer before my senior year when I went to Europe. Ok, if any of you have been to Europe or live there, you know how many incredibly gorgeous, skinny girls are there. If you are the least bit chubby, it makes you feel awful about yourself. The day I got back from that trip I decided I needed to take drastic measures to lose weight. It was still summer so I was working as a lifeguard and rarely at home. It was very very easy to hide that I was not eating. I remember the first week because it was brutal. There was a snack bar at the pool that had amazing fries and chicken fingers and the smell was constantly there. But I held out and made it through the first week, and then the second, and people began to see the changes going on with my body and the compliments began to roll in. Let me tell you, the compliments made me feel on top of the world because I had never been complimented on how thin I was, only how tall I was. I began that August at around 166 pounds and by the time I started school I was down to 140 and fitting into a size 6 or 8 pant. That was when my friends started to get worried because they noticed my dramatic weight loss. My parents not so much because I was so busy with school and sports so they rarely saw me. It wasn't until I hit 130 that they really started to get worried. My lowest weight that year was 121 pounds and I maintained that until about December. My mother finally made me see a therapist and they made me gain weight or they said I would have to go to the hospital. So I gained, and gained, and gained. I think my mom thought I was finally "cured." I went to college the next year and became extremely depressed and ate way too much and drank enough alcohol to serve an entire country of people. I met a boy, we'll call him M, who I fell in love with, but I was so unhappy I had to transfer schools even though I really wanted to be with him. Once I transferred I stopped eating again, and yoyo'd up and down until the summer. That summer M came and visited me at my house and stayed for over a week. After that week I decided I wasn't going back to that school and I stayed home and worked and took classes. M and I were together and I was travelling to see him about once a month. He liked the fact that I wasn't stick thin, he loved my boobs and my butt, of course I hate them because they're enormous when I'm fat. We stayed together until about June of last year when I broke up with him because he refused to decide to do something with his life, so we took a break and got our shit together. Last July I had my tonsils out and couldn't eat for 3 weeks and I lost so much weight. I was finally skinny again! So I kept working out and not eating much after that and I lost even more weight! And then M and I got back together and whenever I'm with him we eat sooooo much, so of course I gained weight again. I transferred schools again for my major and then I was only a state away from him. So January '09 to June '09 I was up and down with my weight. I would not eat when I was at school and basically gorge myself when I was with him. I know completely unhealthy, but I just couldn't stop myself. Anyways, I did well in school and in May I went home for a month and M came with me for 2 weeks. We fought nonstop. It was a disaster. He went home and I was so depressed, dreading the day that he was just going to say forget it. The night I got back to school and my apartment I was having an awful day and all I wanted to do was talk to M, but he was out getting drunk with his friends. The next morning I woke up to a text that said "I don't know how to tell you this but I don't think I can do this anymore." YES A TEXT. We had been involved for so long and a fucking TEXT. Anyways, it's over, but I still talk to him. I still love him, but I think it might just be for the better because now I can not eat and no one will know. So for a week I ate and ate and ate and finally I was like I need to snap out of this so on June 15th I started out at my highest weight in a very long time (182) and stopped eating cold turkey. I am currently 154 and I want to be 125 again. So this will be my blog about my progress and I will post thinspiration and other news from my crazy life. I am so inspired by the blogs I read on here and whenever I want to binge I come here and read and my appetite goes away. Stay Strong, Stay Thin, Stay Lovely.

Love you all,

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