Home!!!!

Finally I'm home. Sorry I've been MIA for the past two days but I was in the middle of moving and studying for my final, then this morning I took my final and drove the 10 hours home. Moving out was an adventure to say the least. I woke up at 8:30am and at 9am started packing up my car with boxes which took about an hour because I'm one person and I had to walk down two flights of stairs and out to my car then back up and back down etc etc etc. At 10:30 the guys showed up to pick up my furniture to take to storage and 2 hours later all of my furniture and boxes that I fit into my car were in the storage unit. Then I took a little break and just chilled for an hour and a half to talk to my friend. Then I finished packing up my room, making sure I organized everything in a manner that I would remember. Made a trip to comcast to return the cable boxes and dvr's, and another trip to the storage unit to bring some more stuff. Then back to my apartment to pack up my car for home and the very last bit of stuff that needed to go into storage. Took a shower, then cleaned my bathroom and bedroom really well. And finally I was done moving out at about 7pm. So I burned major calories yesterday haha. I put it into a calorie burn calculator under "Housecleaning (General)" even though it was so much more than that, and it said for an hour I would burn 252 calories. So multiply that by about 7 or 8, so around 1800 calories burned. WOW. lol. And that is just an estimate, the way I was running up and down the flights of stairs and heavy lifting etc probably burned so much more. Last night I studied for about 3 hours with my friends from class and then we all said fuck it and went to the bar to get a drink. I had one MGD 64, because I know exactly how many calories are in it (64 obviously haha) and it doesn't taste that bad. Plus I deserved it after that day! Took my final this morning and I think I did pretty well. We will see when I get my grade back. Then I picked up this guy Josh who lives near me at home and he drove home with me, being my iPod DJ the entire way which was awesome because we have very similar taste in music (basically all over the spectrum). So we talked and listened to good music and it made the 10 hour drive go really fast! So now I am home! My best friend came over for a while tonight to hang out for a bit, but she has to work at 9am so she left at about 1am to drive home to sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to a concert with the guy I drove home with and his parents haha because they had an extra ticket. It's a band called Dream Theater, I don't know if anyone has ever heard of them, but I love them and am so happy I was offered the ticket hahaha! Oh and best news is that I am now down to 146lbs. I finally got to weigh myself when I got home because I have a scale here. I haven't been able to weigh myself in so long because I had to pack my scale up as you all know. Now I just really have to be careful while being home because food is a temptation here unlike at my apartment where I can fast forever and ever and no one will know that I don't keep food in my apartment. I am exhausted right now though so I really need to get some sleep. I will catch up on everyones blogs when I wake up tomorrow and leave comments and such. I hope everyone is doing well and again sorry for not being on here for a couple days. Think thin girlies....gnite.

-S

Survey!!!

General

Age? 21
Height? 5'9"
Weight? uh since I packed my scale up I won't know until thursday. hopefully around 145 after this fast.
Lowest Weight? 121
Highest Weight? 182
What weight do you want to weigh? 120 to 125lbs
What eating disorder do you have? anorexia

In Depth

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? Less than 400, currently on a fast so zero.
Do you throw up your food on occasion? Never. I am physically unable to make myself throw up. Not for lack of trying though.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? Not any particular one. I just want to look like me, but skinnnnyyyy!
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? Tennis, going to the gym.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Never teased, but definitely commented on.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? I love fasting...longest fast was 21 days with absolutely no food.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? On occasion to cleanse. I like laxative tea better because it's gentler.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? Yes.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? Nope.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? Never.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? Not willingly.

Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Yes. But they don't see me naked, they only see me clothed and I try to wear flattering clothes.
What part of your body would you change? 1) Thighs-make them skinnier. 2) Stomach-toned, no love handles.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? Never really thought about it like that.
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? Not severely, but I've definitely been depressed from a combination of things including my body.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Yes, always.

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough? If by healthy you mean not at all, then yes. And when I'm eating its mainly veggies, small amounts of fruit, and protein.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? Carbs are evil.
Fat grams? Fat is even more evil than carbs
Calories? Over 500 calories is scary.
Are you often tired/fatigued? A lot of the time.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? No! I feel fat and gross.
Do you eat meat? Rarely.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Slowly, chewing 15 times for each bite, unless I'm bingeing and then I gorge myself and it's sickening :-(
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Not since I was 121lbs.
Have you ever thrown up blood? No.
Is your heart bpm above 49? Yes.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? I get really dizzy a lot when I stand up, but I've never actually fainted, although I've been extremely close many times. I know how to stop fainting from happening.

Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? Definitely, they're the ones promote thinness.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? Pro Pro Pro :-)
Do you have any other mental disorders?
What's your favorite food to eat? um nothing? if i had to choose I'd say cucumbers.
Favorite drink? Unsweetened Iced Tea or Hot Tea depending on if I'm hot or cold.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? I wish I were naturally really skinny, but if this is what I have to do, then I have to do it.
Do you want to recover? That's like asking me if I want to be fat and the answer to that is NO!

Still fasting :-) Still packing :-(

Phew, I haven't eaten a single thing since last monday night 7/20! I just want to be skinnnnnyyyyyy damnit. I can't even weigh myself until I get home on Thursday night because I packed up my scale. I should have left it out but I really really really just need to be done with this never ending task of packing up this stupid shithole lol. So I ran around like a maniac today...went to class this morning (almost overslept whoops), got my test back that I took last week, I only got an 82 and I was really pissed cuz I thought I did well on it. I hate when that happens, but oh well I think I still should have an A in the class because everything we do gets graded and I have A's on everything else. After class I went tanning, then I washed my extremely dirty car so now it looks white again instead of gray haha. I came back to my apartment and read for an hour, then I went and reserved a storage unit for all my stuff to go into, bought an unsweetened iced tea from McDonald's which is the only thing in that godforsaken place that doesn't have calories, and now I'm laying in bed relaxing and I just finished a really cute book called Lovehampton by Sherri Rifkin, I definitely reccommend it. Tonight I'm going to finish packing the rest of my random stuff and then tomorrow I get to have two guys help me move it into storage, clean the apartment and study for my chem final. Can't wait for Thursday afternoon so all of this stress will be lifted off my shoulders. I just want foooood but I can't can't can't! :-(

-S

Oh and here's some boot thinspo for Nic at A Lovely Casualty

Sorry...

my life is sooo boring right now. Nothing new and different to report today. Went to wal-mart and got moving supplies, make-up, lotion, gum, and sugar-free no cal juice mix. Then I went tanning, came back and watched some tv and took a lonnnnnggggg shower. I should be packing but I'm really tired and keep getting light-headed everytime I stand up from not eating anything since Tuesday. My friend invited me over for dinner tonight but I told her I just went to wal-mart and bought enough food to last me until my trip home (total lie) so I couldn't eat with her. I'm adding a 2 pictures of me from last weekend so you girls can see where I am weight wise.

no food, no food, no food....

That is my mantra for the next week! My other mantra is "packing, packing, packing," getting ready to move all of my stuff in this apartment into a storage unit so I can go home for August before I have to move my stuff into my new apartment! So excited and seriously, packing and cleaning are amazing workouts. I don't know exactly how many calories they burn but yesterday I think I ran up and down my stairs about 20 times, hauled 5 boxes that were about 25-50 pounds each around my room, suitcases full of winter clothes, and scrubbed my entire bathroom (good arm workout). I know its not straight cardio or anything, but boy does it keep your mind off food! I think I might reward myself by going jewelry or makeup shopping today, I just don't know what to do with all this money I'm saving by not buying food and not eating! Anyways, thanks for the comments girls and keep up the good work...think thin always!

-S

sooo busy

Ugh sorry I haven't written in a while. Anyways, in my last post I talked about a dress that I got at Michael Kors and my mom took a picture of me in it on my phone (crappy quality) so I posted it here, tell me what you think! I know I look enormous so don't comment on my weight haha! So the reason I haven't been posting is because I've been so busy with school, planning to move out, finding furniture for my new apartment and between those things the only other thing I've had time to do is sleep and go tanning. I know it's so bad for my skin, but tanning just makes me happy whether its laying outside or going to the salon. Either way it makes me nice and warm and I look thinner when I'm tan! I've been fasting ever since I got back to school, so far no food Tues, Wed or today and will continue until I get home next Friday. I'm too scared to weigh myself after this past weekend. I know the number is not going to make me happy, so I'll weigh myself right before I leave for home. Need to not slip up again, I'm so annoyed with myself!

-S

home is the good life

I love love love love being home with my mom and my friends. I've missed them so much and I've been spending every waking second with them. I got home thursday night and hung out with my mom and best friend and her boyfriend who slept over at my house because her parents are strict about the whole sleeping situation. I was good about food and only had a salad. Friday we woke up and my mom made us breakfast, eggs and bacon and toast. I had a little bit of eggs and half a piece of bacon and lots of water. My mom then took me shopping at the outlets so we were walking around for 4 hours so I burned some calories haha, and she bought me some really nice clothing including 4 things from Michael Kors :-) and 2 pairs of shorts from J. Crew. My mom hasn't been feeling well, apparently she got lyme disease a few days ago but she's on antibiotics so she's feeling better, so I made her dinner that night. I made a big salad with lettuce, slightly steamed broccoli, carrots and cucumbers and I grilled a piece of steak for us to share and sauteed some mushrooms. I ate the salad and had 3 very small slices of steak. That night we went to the bars for my best friends 21st, and it was a lot of fun except for her mom was being a complete bitch and I'm ready to just have my friend move in with me because the situation is getting a little ridiculous and it makes me sad that she has to deal with it 24/7. Today we went to the pool and laid out for like 4 hours and swam around, but then she had to go home and work in her neighbors barn and her own, but we made plans for her and her bf to come over later so they could have a really good homecooked meal and time away from her mom. However, her mom stopped that quickly because she apparently hates me and my mom and is trying to keep her daughter away from us because she has too much fun at my house. So my friend and her boyfriend show up at around 11pm exhausted and frustrated with the whole thing and pretty much eat, drink a little, watch some tv with me and then they passed out which was completely understood. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. We're supposed to go and ride her horses which will be fun as long her mom stays the hell away from us, because if she says one word to me I think I might snap. But all in all, I've been doing pretty well with controlling my food intake, I haven't been as strict with my calorie counting, but I also haven't been binge eating at all. I have been on the move these past couple of days so anything I do eat definitely gets burned off. We shall see when I get back on the scale, but hopefully I will be the same weight as when I left. If not I'm not gonna freak out, just fast and work out and things will snap back. Gotta stay positive because if not it might turn into a binge and that just equals more weight gain and it's a downward spiral from there. So girls, stay positive and believe in yourselves! Just say no to bingeing haha.
-S

On my way home...

Ahhh finally the day has come that I get to go home for 4 days. A much needed break from thinking about chemistry, although I have a lab report due on Tuesday and a test but I can study on the plane. I am 150 today so I made my goal for today, the working out pushed me over the 154 plateau I was stuck at for 2 days. I'm so excited to see my best friend, I haven't seen her since December because I went back to school the first week of January and then when I was home for breaks she was studying abroad in Argentina. Anyways this is just a quick update because I was at school all day and now I have to drive up to the airport. Hope all you girls are doing great and keep your eyes on the prize...being SKINNY!!!! lol I know I'm dorky, but I'm just really happy and giddy right now haha.

-S

Working Out=Endorphins

Wooooo endorphin rush!!! Workouts on a completely empty stomach make me feel amazing because not only am I burning calories but I'm getting rid of the pesky fat. I worked out with a girl from my chemistry class today. She ran on the treadmill while I did the elliptical and the bike. I burned 100 calories on the elliptical and 150 on the bike and then I did 100 crunches, 50 right oblique crunches and 50 left, and 50 "girl" pushups because my wrists are weak. A perfect workout to get my heart rate going and tone my body without making me so tired I can't walk back to my apartment after lol! No food yesterday, no food today, just water, 1 diet root beer, and powerade zero which is delish by the way (I highly recommend it for workouts because it has some electrolytes and vitamins but no calories!) Anyways, I'm gonna go soak in a warm bubble bath for a bit and enjoy this wonderful feeling. Think thin!

-S

I hate....

chemistry lab write ups. I have three due tomorrow and it's taking up my entire day so I can't even exercise. No food yesterday, just lots of water and tea and my vitamins but I was still 154 when I woke up. I think I was really bloated though. No food today, so far, just a diet pepsi, 3 bottles of water and my vitamins. My best friend turned 21 today and I'm going home in 3 days to see her which means lots of drinking and eating this weekend and there's gonna be no avoiding it because I will be around people 24/7. I hope there are veggie platters haha! Hopefully I'll be 150 or under when I leave here on Thursday and when I get back on Monday I'm going to fast for a week or longer. Think thin!
-S

First Post

Hi Everyone,

Ok so here goes the first awkward post. An introduction is in order I suppose. So just call me S, I am 21 years old and I am going to be a junior in college. As a kid I was always taller and bigger than everyone from about 3rd grade on. I was never fat because I was always doing gymnastics and on the swim and tennis team, but because I was so much taller than everyone I felt different and I was always picked on. My parents rarely ever let me eat junk food when I was young. I think the first time I ever had a sugary cereal was around 7th grade and fast food such as McDonald's and Burger King was a treat for doing something well. When I got into high school the pressure to look better than everyone else escalated 10 fold from middle school. Every girl was constantly on some new fad diet such as Atkins or South Beach or just plain not eating. I gained a lot of weight during the first two years because I was very stressed from school, sports and my parents divorce. Eating is definitely a comfort thing for me. Fast forward to summer before my senior year when I went to Europe. Ok, if any of you have been to Europe or live there, you know how many incredibly gorgeous, skinny girls are there. If you are the least bit chubby, it makes you feel awful about yourself. The day I got back from that trip I decided I needed to take drastic measures to lose weight. It was still summer so I was working as a lifeguard and rarely at home. It was very very easy to hide that I was not eating. I remember the first week because it was brutal. There was a snack bar at the pool that had amazing fries and chicken fingers and the smell was constantly there. But I held out and made it through the first week, and then the second, and people began to see the changes going on with my body and the compliments began to roll in. Let me tell you, the compliments made me feel on top of the world because I had never been complimented on how thin I was, only how tall I was. I began that August at around 166 pounds and by the time I started school I was down to 140 and fitting into a size 6 or 8 pant. That was when my friends started to get worried because they noticed my dramatic weight loss. My parents not so much because I was so busy with school and sports so they rarely saw me. It wasn't until I hit 130 that they really started to get worried. My lowest weight that year was 121 pounds and I maintained that until about December. My mother finally made me see a therapist and they made me gain weight or they said I would have to go to the hospital. So I gained, and gained, and gained. I think my mom thought I was finally "cured." I went to college the next year and became extremely depressed and ate way too much and drank enough alcohol to serve an entire country of people. I met a boy, we'll call him M, who I fell in love with, but I was so unhappy I had to transfer schools even though I really wanted to be with him. Once I transferred I stopped eating again, and yoyo'd up and down until the summer. That summer M came and visited me at my house and stayed for over a week. After that week I decided I wasn't going back to that school and I stayed home and worked and took classes. M and I were together and I was travelling to see him about once a month. He liked the fact that I wasn't stick thin, he loved my boobs and my butt, of course I hate them because they're enormous when I'm fat. We stayed together until about June of last year when I broke up with him because he refused to decide to do something with his life, so we took a break and got our shit together. Last July I had my tonsils out and couldn't eat for 3 weeks and I lost so much weight. I was finally skinny again! So I kept working out and not eating much after that and I lost even more weight! And then M and I got back together and whenever I'm with him we eat sooooo much, so of course I gained weight again. I transferred schools again for my major and then I was only a state away from him. So January '09 to June '09 I was up and down with my weight. I would not eat when I was at school and basically gorge myself when I was with him. I know completely unhealthy, but I just couldn't stop myself. Anyways, I did well in school and in May I went home for a month and M came with me for 2 weeks. We fought nonstop. It was a disaster. He went home and I was so depressed, dreading the day that he was just going to say forget it. The night I got back to school and my apartment I was having an awful day and all I wanted to do was talk to M, but he was out getting drunk with his friends. The next morning I woke up to a text that said "I don't know how to tell you this but I don't think I can do this anymore." YES A TEXT. We had been involved for so long and a fucking TEXT. Anyways, it's over, but I still talk to him. I still love him, but I think it might just be for the better because now I can not eat and no one will know. So for a week I ate and ate and ate and finally I was like I need to snap out of this so on June 15th I started out at my highest weight in a very long time (182) and stopped eating cold turkey. I am currently 154 and I want to be 125 again. So this will be my blog about my progress and I will post thinspiration and other news from my crazy life. I am so inspired by the blogs I read on here and whenever I want to binge I come here and read and my appetite goes away. Stay Strong, Stay Thin, Stay Lovely.

Love you all,
S